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Alpha's Autobiography page 1

Mom (my human mom - you know her as Chris B.) has had a lot of questions about me and why I'm on all the signs and her business cards, etc. - so I decided to write my life story here for you. I was the first born male kitten of Patches, Mom's calico cat. After I got big enough to leave my cat Mom, my human Mom took me to Andy's house. I was to keep my litter mate Sherlock company at Andy's house until he was adjusted to being away from the rest of our litter. One look around Andy's place and I decided I could be a very happy cat there - more than one cat food bowl always full of my favorite dry cat food, no dog, and a litter box for just me - who knows where I might end up when Mom found me a different home - so, I decided it was time to start controlling my destiny and the humans around me - it was a simple decision - I had to get Sherlock out and me in. I started by schmoozing with Andy - he just thought it was so entertaining when I would precariously walk out on that big foot of his when he had his legs crossed and then just lay down on it, start to purr, and then fall asleep. I also worked on the Sherlock angle - I had him convinced that Andy didn't like him and was going to be mean to him and that I would make the supreme sacrifice and stay at Andy's - I could handle that renowned temper of Andy's. In less than a week, my first venture was a success - I had the home I wanted and Sherlock went onto another home Mom had found!!

Life was pretty good after that - I had a good friend in the cat that lived there, Watson. We'd cat nap curled up together - the 2 headed orange kitty. Although I never did understand why, when Andy had visitors, they would point at me and say "Look at how that cat is sitting - just like a human!" My legs are really short for a cat and my body short, fat and round, so I've always found it more comfortable to sit on my tailbone with my legs sticking straight out and my back tucked against the back of a chair - preferably the dining room chair, after the table has been set. I took Watson's advice and started showing off for the humans - they would then fork over tiny bits of human food - including my favorite - honeydew melon.

It was at this point that life got a little boring - Watson and I would jump in the open sunroof of the car but we couldn't figure out how to make the car go - I'd stand on the seat with my paws on the steering wheel, looking out the window (I could barely see over the dash but Watson was afraid to look out at all) and Watson would fall asleep on the pedals, but we never could figure out how to make it go. To relieve the boredom, I decided to start my first business - Alpha Tile Company in Florida. I never told the humans about it - they might make me pay for my own food!!! But Mom blew it - she was in Florida and saw the store - Andy was complaining that his tile supplier hadn't shipped on schedule and it was going to hold up one of his building projects - so Mom spilled the beans and told Andy about my tile store in Florida - she suggested that he should have ordered the tile from my store and that she was sure I could guarantee on time shipment of all the tile Andy would ever need. After they realized I had opened one business, they started looking for my other businesses - perhaps you've seen some as well - Alpha books, for instance. They realized I went international after they found out about the Alpha Bank of London. I am quite the tycoon and have several businesses - however, I do my best to not tell the humans how to run their rental business, except for those instances when I know my advice is desperately needed - actually, I got Andy started in the rental housing biz - we were living in a rental place because Andy had sold our house (for a profit, of course, the boy does have that part of business down - although I was not impressed that he sold my favorite house of all the houses we've had - I had my own atrium garden room and I could go out there whenever I pleased - I had my own garden of catnip plants that I tended carefully and I was not happy about leaving this level of luxury). This rental was supposed to be a really cool place - less than a couple of years old - but it was not all it was supposed to be - when I went to use the facilities, which was placed in the humansí bathroom, I could hear the neighbors speaking to each other through the walls!! It was awful if they had a fight - I could hear that anywhere in the apartment and I could always hear their children - I couldn't concentrate on my businesses - all that noise was so distracting! After we moved to our new house, I convinced Andy that if he wasn't going to build some good quality places in town, I would. The only other time that I gave Andy some unasked for advice was that he had better allow cats in most of our homes - at that time he didn't have a single place where it would be OK for me to live - and that was a situation I would remedy if he didn't take care of it. If he sold our house again, I wasn't going to live in someone else's rental again and have to deal with noise, crowding and cheap windows that leak air and make me cold. Thankfully, he listened and I allow him to use Mom's drawing of me on his places as a reminder that there is one place where kitties are welcome. I do, however, charge him a fee of one case of baby food lamb for each sign he uses.

GO TO page 2 of Alpha's autobiography

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Alpha's Carbondale Apartments
This Page was last update: Sunday, November 25, 2001 at 6:38:03 PM
This page was originally posted: 11/25/01; 6:21:06 PM.
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A note from the legal cat:
If you have reached this page without reading our intro page, we want to let you know that the measurements on this page were taken off the architectural drawings and that due to decisions made during the construction phase, they may not be exact. They are intended to give you a general idea about the layout and relative sizes of the rooms, not as an exact drawing of each unit. The amenities list is done from memory & we're assuming that we remember what is in each unit. if we have made an error, please accept our apologies.